I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
