Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
