I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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