what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
