Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
