I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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