Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
