i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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