so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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