is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
