why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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