Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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