if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
