well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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