He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
