pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
