i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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