hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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