someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
