I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
