You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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