Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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