could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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