I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
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I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
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Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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