if i can run in heels then i can drive
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
and she was petting her beer can
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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