Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
