you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
