i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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