I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
