Cold hands, warm shart.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
