Will you blow on my dice?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
