I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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