She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
