Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
