mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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