my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
