Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
