he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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