I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
