i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
