You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Still dying that you shit outside
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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