Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
