I think im going to throw up on grandma
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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