just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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