I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
