dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
