Will you blow on my dice?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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