Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So many bounce houses so little time
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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