my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
