I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
