I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
