I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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