she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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