i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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