Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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