ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
