i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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