By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
