i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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