I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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