eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
