I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
